my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
