The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
