my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize