Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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