I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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