i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
