you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
