hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize