You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
