I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize