I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
