so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
