he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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