I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
