whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
