Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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