the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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