My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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