I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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