Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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