i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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