cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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