let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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