I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I deserve this hangover.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
