If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
