I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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