Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
