i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
