Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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