I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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