Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
