You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
