I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
