my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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