And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
