i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have fence marks all over my body
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
