im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize