Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
