He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
