He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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