I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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