BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
