hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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