absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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