just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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