I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
