The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
