and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
