I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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