My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
