You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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