Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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