I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
