Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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