This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
