we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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