It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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