my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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