just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
