I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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