So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
