I got chris browned last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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