Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
