Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
